Inspire 2019

 It’s no one’s responsibility to heal you. No body is in charge of monitoring your triggers and walking around you carefully like you’re some  delicate bomb ready to explode anytime .  No one should have to walk on eggshells around you because you are not doing the right steps and putting in the effort to heal.  I used to bask in my damage and brokenness. I was completely comfortable surviving on the failing crutches of my pain.  The warm embrace of depression covered me completely like a warm blanket in the cold of winter and I hugged it back even tighter. Me and my depression had trauma bonded like how you would with a narcissist ; and we were quite enjoying our relationship. My demons loved me and were always there for me in the dark of the night as I cried my eyes out when nobody else was there. I loved them too. I never was alone when the lights went out! Naturally, I saw no point of healing. I was loved by what tormented me and I was not alone as long as I...

 To say 2022 was overwhelming is an understatement. I had the worst beginning of the year until the start of the last quarter of the year.  My depression was on an all time high; there was chaos after chaos.  My house was on fire and nothing could extinguish it. My anxiety was through the roof. I was on meds after meds. I got premature low blood pressure for a spell but in the end I survived and I'm completely cured now. Last year I was going through lots of drastic changes from; emotional, financial, mental and spiritual.  I was living in pain and agony for years prior to 2022. I was literally in survival mode for about 7 years of my life.  I barely slept, ate or couldn't stop myself from crying ; every night and sometimes days. Consequently,  I had to move back to my parent's home. I literally needed that break after four years of living with  no real general direction.  I had so much pressure on myself to be perfect even if I had very little pr...

All my life I was the epitome of the strong independent woman. I was out of my parent's home by 25, I had bought myself my first little car by then and I was on my way to building a multi billion beauty industry with my beauty brand called frotextured. I seemed to have been doing quite well but I was never satisfied or happy. I was constantly tired and yet very empty. I felt like lot was missing yet I couldn't pinpoint exactly what exactly that was! Of course that left me more frustrated and even more anxious. I overworked and overslept; that was my cycle. I therefore constantly looked drained and rough as I never had enough time for self care. My cycle was work, anxiety and sleepless nights. I got low blood pressure at a young age! Consequently, I never was walking in my best feminine power or energy. In the end, I attracted the wrong partners. I had no self esteem or time to be feminine because I worked day in day out. I had no divine masculine support so I had to embrace the...

My life has always  been like a wild goose chase. Nothing is ever enough so I chase the whirlwind and the tornadoes. Hoping to catch them before disaster strikes and throws my house down to nothingness.  Few things were ever permanent for me. I was always deathly afraid to have good things because I’m almost certain they’ll expire before I can blink! I never could jump up for joy even when I was happy because I was always dashing through the chapters of my life like the “white rabbit in the coat in Alice in wonderland .” I was always in a rush to see how the book ends! The endings were always the same; defeated and trampled on by the raging demons in my head!  I inhaled a sharp deep breath from the depth of my stomach. my shoulders fell back in a relaxed state as the tension melted away.  For the first time I feel free and ready for a different well deserved prize ending! Disney happy endings were meant for fairytales and that is the only place where they should only...

A year can make such a huge difference. Last year this time of the year I was in therapy, barely holding myself together and I was dreading Valentine’s Day. I’d had one hell of  the last quarter of 2018 and in the process I’d lost myself, my drive and my will to go on! I found myself crying on the bathroom floor way into the wee hours of the night. Many times, I  was barely able to breathe as I tried to force myself to sleep for months! I went from bar to therapy to home everyday like clock works!  Ultimately,  I wasn’t even really running my business! My whole life seemed like it was falling apart and I was begging God to deliver me! I needed strength and the will to live from above. The thing about depression is no matter who you talk to or how many time, no one understands you completely or at all.  The best most will do is; they’ll make you feel worse for going through  “unreasonable pain” that’s “merely” emotional and not even physical! I...

Growing up I heard people talk about how they fought with demons and I could never fathom what that must be like for them. In my small mind demons were this huge imaginary things that beat you down and there was literally no control of them! I never would imagine that my demons would grow as I grow and perhaps even try to take over me! Little did I know that they were fast growing and real! My demons grew and as fate would have it they grew beyond me! I was helpless and at their mercy! Perhaps I’d given up the fight and completely surrenders to them! Maybe like all grown ups I’d watched them grow and even nurtured them! An ugly side of me that I could never have imagined began to emerge! I allowed that I wasn’t strong enough and allowed them to rule over! They care out strong and ugly. I lost a huge chunk of me as much as the huge part of people I cared about the most as I allowed them to shine! The God in me disappeared and the devil in me came out strong! I tried...

Do you ever look back and wonder why you wasted so much time? All the things you stressed and worried about! All the things that you wondered if you’d survive without? Isn’t it weird that just a few months from then, you’re doing great on your own! You didn’t even need those people and things after all! Life has bent and twisted me into the realization that nothing or no one in this entire universe is worth my tears, lack of sleep or peace of mind! While you cry over spilled milk, other opportunities pass you by! As you pull covers over your head in the dark, your soulmate slips through your hands! Things come and go and so do people. The ones who let everything go easily fight no battles in the night alone as they struggle to sleep! The ones who hold on tightly smother their peace of mind and take away so much joy! Holding on is suffering! So much strength and freedom comes from letting go of all the shackles that hold you back! You deserve a life like an ocean wav...