The confines of depression

 It’s no one’s responsibility to heal you. No body is in charge of monitoring your triggers and walking around you carefully like you’re some  delicate bomb ready to explode anytime . 

No one should have to walk on eggshells around you because you are not doing the right steps and putting in the effort to heal. 

I used to bask in my damage and brokenness. I was completely comfortable surviving on the failing crutches of my pain. 

The warm embrace of depression covered me completely like a warm blanket in the cold of winter and I hugged it back even tighter.

Me and my depression had trauma bonded like how you would with a narcissist ; and we were quite enjoying our relationship.

My demons loved me and were always there for me in the dark of the night as I cried my eyes out when nobody else was there.

I loved them too. I never was alone when the lights went out!

Naturally, I saw no point of healing. I was loved by what tormented me and I was not alone as long as I held onto them tighter. 

I was drowning and losing myself but I was so comforted because I was loved regardless of my brokenness ; by these things that lived in my head and didn’t quite want me dead but enjoyed torturing me. 

I was breaking and functioning at the same time so I didn’t see the problem. Not many people did.

I was good at putting on the hugest fake smile and making cute social media videos and posts. 

We were all living comfortably in my head even though I was dying slowly and they were getting louder. 

Then one day I woke up and suddenly the room in my head had become too small to harbor so many demons.

I arose from my dark slumber and realized I was all alone because my demons had done a fantastic job of driving everyone around me away . 

I was alone yet somehow they had even multiplied in my head. I fell down to my knees and screamed “get out!” For hours while I cried. I asked God , my doctors, my pastors and my parents to hold me while I finally released them all. 

It was hard. They were many and they were resistant. They were clearly not ready to go! 

In due time; the demons couldn’t handle the pressure! They were gone. 

I was no longer imprisoned by them. I slowly worked on maneuvering my triggers and took charge of my life.

I felt so light after this! I was unintentionally holding myself prisoner by sinking into the comfort zone of depression! 

I chose myself eventually and I from then on;  didn’t allow any more demons to run my life as I was on autopilot. 

I was ready to conquer the world again. I am ready to triumph 😊