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Not today


"No one's really that valuable. It's just a societal construct to give an illusion of grandeur about someone you are attached to"
My friend said this to my face and at first I was shocked, then disappointed then it slowly begun to sip in.

He had had enough of me talking about my disappointments with people and everything else in my life and he had distanced himself a bit.

"Hope you take life too seriously" he casually joked when we had conversations.

Steve had become a friend of mine in an unlikely environment.

I used to tuck myself in a little corner in a restaurant listening to meditation music and loud reggae music from the bar in what seemed like utter seclusion every evening since the year begun.

I was constantly overwhelmed from everything going on and being there by myself every evening felt good. I didn't know anyone and no one seemed to know me at first.

Then one day I met Steve. He said he saw me sit alone every evening for months and he felt it needed to stop.
I joined their little table and from then on, we became a family.

I however begun to slowly drain his energy. My negativity was clearly rubbing on.
"You think too much young lady" he'd say every few days and slowly I felt him pull away!

Eventually he said; "you know you're a lovely young woman with a beautiful soul but it's too weary! You need to detox your soul and live a little!"
"I thought I could help but seems you prefer to swim in the deeper ends."

At first his words stung. But then I begun to replay all my conversations in my head!
I was repeatedly negative and tired. I wasn't living!
I was giving people and things too much power over me.

I used to have a beautiful smile and a free spirit that wasn't easily shredded!
A light was dimming and the ones that cared suffered the most!

They searched for that light and when they didn't see it, they pulled up.
I was not the Hope they knew. Something was not right; not working!

Then came Arya Stark ..... (No spoilers) but watching a young lady hero conquer gave me a new found sense of realization!
"If you wanted something so bad, you gotta do it yourself! Don't give up!

"You're one of the strongest women I know," my best friend keeps reminding me almost everyday.
The matches are filled up in the box, an unused eternal candle sits by my nightstand!
It's time to light this thing up!
I'm bring back the light, faith and hope!

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