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Detoxifying my soul



Do you know who you are?
Do you understand what ticks you off and what drags you to a dark place?
Do you know why you're so empty and desperately search for a life purpose day after day?

I asked myself these questions whilst I turned and tossed in bed for hours after hours.
I was so anxiety ridden. I would sit up on my bed and try to rock myself to sleep. Knees pulled up so high they almost interlocked with my eye sockets.
I was afraid of a lot of things. Things of you asked me, I couldn't name.
I'd find myself reminding me to unclench my jaws and relax my coldly drawn in shoulders.
I'd breathe in and out spontaneously for no actual reason.

Worry and stranger thoughts wrapped around my throat like demons nightly.
I cuddled those demons and allowed them to spend the night. They were my only friends as I failed to switch my mind from nocturnal worry to just allowing things to play out the way they should.

My imagination is like a wild fire. Once I allow a little spark to escape, it spreads out from a tiny flame to an angry destructive fire.

When the night fell, it was like it was time for my brain to work at maximum capacity.
I worried for my future, I thought deeply about money and I imagined a perfect life and if it was attainable.

I couldn't breathe for a second and allow my mind to rest. It ran for hours until it stopped by itself.
I had many sleepless nights trying to worry for things I couldn't change and control.
Sometimes it got so bad, I cried myself to sleep.
Yes, I had the flare for the dramatics and perhaps it is what led me into this emotional rollercoaster.

I desperately began to search for answers to help me stay calm and restore my peace.
I spent many nights searching for something to fill my void, to calm my anxiety and to distract my destructive worry.

Like the light at the end of the tunnel, I finally found my salvation one day as I had drowned in too deep.
I got to realize that I needed to self cleanse, to detach and detoxify my soul.
I had to acknowledge that I couldn't control anything and in fact worrying was one of the most useless emotions a human could carry.
Too much of a burden yet it solved nothing and created more mystery and anxiety.

I thereby began to exfoliate my soul; I chose to reboot it and take it to a place it was before it all started. The pre-teen stage.
Where I worried very little because my parents had control over it.

As an adult I had to of course surrender it to something bigger; the universe: God.
I cast my burdens unto something that had the ultimate answers and plans.
I allowed myself to let go of everything that weighed down my soul.

It hurt for a couple of days. Detoxing always hurts.
I struggled to emerse from anchors that refused me to swim afloat.
I pulled through the thick grimy swamp and as I came lose, I felt all my old casings and layers peeling away.
It hurt for a moment and tears flowed but peacefully.  And then came pure honest relief.

I wasn't hurting and worried anymore. I was taking deep long breaths; in and out like a new born baby. Worry and absolutely stress free.
I slept beautifully that night. The birds hummed slightly and the bugs chirped calmly. The moon gazed upon my window and the breeze strayed my curtain. I closed my eyes and in the moment not a single worry was in my mind.
I'd perhaps reached my level of zen!

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